I stopped by Fir Lane the other day to visit Michael's gravesite. I never really figured that I'd be much for hanging out at any cemetery...
Turns out that it can actually be a good place to gather my thoughts and reflect when needed.
Dad's gravesite's up at Tahoma Nat'l Cemetery - a bit too far for just dropping by when the moment strikes me. But Fir Lane? I've been there a number of times since Mickey's funeral. It's close to home and turns out - it's a place where I can (odd as it may be) visit with Dad and Mickey at the same time & place.
I know that up in heaven, Mike's probably peeking down from time-to-time. For sure he's hanging out with Grandpa a lot, too! So, it seems likely that Dad could be with him when he's peeking sometimes, right?
Okay, so maybe I live in a dream world... but you gotta do what gets you through!
Tomorrow (well actually today, I guess) marks 18-month since Dad left. After all those months, I'm still not comfortable with what to call it. No matter the words - death, passed away, etc. - they all still mean he's gone.
Now, don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't spend time remembering the good times, too. Of course, I do. His smiles; his laugh; the way enjoyed time with Trish, us kids, and of course... his grandkids. His love of God, family, friends & food. Sharing a ball game or a crime drama on TV. The grown man he was, and the little child he showed all of us he (and we) could be.
Remembering the good times also makes it crystal clear that those memories are all we get!
People tell me that with time, I'll get past the pain and the tears. But in all actuality, I certainly hope not.
I heard this quote by playwright, Tom Stoppard...
We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
I don't want to have to presume that once my eyes watered. The fact that they still water, tells me those memories I hold onto continue to have a lasting impression on my life, as well as many of the lives of those around me.
Like I said, just stopping by!
John:)